


Sad

by smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger



Series: Bucky/Reader [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Abandonment, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxious Bucky Barnes, Author loves to chat in the Comments, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Isolation, Mental Health Issues, Poor Bucky, Protective Bucky Barnes, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Suicidal Thoughts, Worried Bucky Barnes, and it hurts him, but especially Bucky, everybody needs some love, he just wants everybody to be happy, his girl is hurting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 13:43:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10492137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger/pseuds/smokeandmirrorscloakanddagger
Summary: The reader, who has struggled with depression all her life, slips back into that deep sadness. Bucky is worried and tries his best to help.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I would *love* to hear any thoughts you may have! Thanks for reading!

“I’m worried about her,” Bucky says suddenly, looking up from his cup of coffee, which he’s spent the better part of an hour staring at blankly. Steve looks away from the tablet in his hands where he had been reading the news. “I’m really worried Stevie.” Bucky’s voice, always soft and quiet, is even more so, barely a murmur. “Y/N doesn’t talk to me anymore. She doesn’t…” He shakes his head as Steve moves around the breakfast table to sit next to his oldest friend. “God, I-I hate that I’m dumping this on you.”

“’S okay pal,” Steve says, patting his friend on the back. “I know it’s been bad lately.”

Usually a ray of sunshine Y/N had slipped back into depression recently, something she had battled nearly all her life. In the process she’s pushed Bucky away, leaving him empty and struggling. Whether it has been inadvertently or not remained to be seen.

Bucky lets out a sharp breath, “I’ve seen it bad before but never _this_ bad. I’ve never been worried that she might-,” His voice breaks and he has to take a moment to compose himself before he can continue. “And she won’t let me in. She won’t let me-let me touch her and I don’t know how to comfort her otherwise.” He glances sideways at Steve, “’m not so good with words anymore.”

And Bucky really doesn’t want to bother her with words, to explain to her that he wanted to comfort her might come off as him complaining. He can’t have her think that he’s irritable and needy when she clearly isn’t emotionally stable enough to support him. He _does_ need her, but she doesn’t need to know that at the moment. “Just let her know you’re there, Buck. You don’t have to use a lot of words, just let her know. You don’t have to say anything, just sit with her, let her know you’re there without words.”

“I miss her,” He says, cupping his hands around his now cold cup of coffee. “I really miss her.” He misses her laugh and her voice and her touch. He misses everything about her and the worst part of it is that she’s _right there_.

“Buck,” Steve says gently, “Just let her know, alright? You haven’t said anything yet have you?” Bucky shakes his head no, too terrified that he would accidently push her farther away. “She probably needs to hear it. Just trust me on this. I think you’re better with words than you think you are.”

He decides then that Steve is probably right. After all he and Y/N had taken care of Bucky for months while he battled through his own demons, so he probably knew best.

 

~

 

Y/N is lying in their bed sniffling when he gets back from afternoon training. She quiets abruptly when she hears the door open and close, not wanting to burden Bucky with her feelings, or rather non-feelings at this point, the numbness in full swing, engulfing and swaddling her body in a suffocating blanket. The poor man has been through enough, the last thing he needs is a weepy, depressive girlfriend. Y/N knows he can tell she’s suffering but that doesn’t mean she’s going to give into it so easily. She hears him sigh deeply before going to their en suite, eyes burning again as she knows that he’s probably thinking about ending their relationship. Y/N doesn’t want to be around herself, how can she expect someone else to want to be around her?

Her eyes burn but no tears come, she’s too exhausted, too dehydrated, too everything and nothing at the same time. She closes her eyes and listens to the running water in the bathroom, trying not to think of the day when she is finally left alone, when he’s finally had enough.  

 

~

 

She wakes to Bucky kneeling next to the bed, his eyes soft and voice gentle, “Hi, doll,” he whispers, reaching out to brush some greasy strands of hair back from her face. Y/N jerks away from his touch, afraid of the attachment it would create between the two of them, and Bucky’s face falls, hurt lying in his eyes. “You don’t have to say anything I just want you to know that I’m here.” He stands and goes to the small sofa in the corner of their large room, where he had been sleeping the last couple nights, trying to give her space. Y/N only sees it as evidence of his pulling away from her.

But…he had said that he’s there. Slowly, her body aching and over sensitive, she sits up in bed, muscles protesting the entire time. He’s lying down, facing away from her. Y/N remembers suddenly that he needs her too usually, that it was typically give and take between the two of them and that she had left him with nothing these past few weeks. A familiar guilt floods her chest, heart aching. She never wants to hurt anyone with her depression, especially Bucky. And she had hurt him just now, his face, raw with hurt, flashing through her mind.

She gathers the comforter around her shoulders and approaches the couch. Bucky gets cold, she thinks as she slumps down on the floor next to the piece of furniture. “Buck,” she whispers, voice cracking from disuse, hand reaching out from between the folds of the blanket to trace his spine through the material of his shirt.

“I’m here baby,” he says before turning to face her on his side.

“Can I lay with you?”  

Bucky nods, opening his arms to her, surprised but welcoming all the same. Once settled firmly against his chest she sighs as Bucky wraps his arms around her waist and brings her closer, despite her dirty clothes and greasy hair. He kisses the top of her head and lets her wiggle as close as she likes, forehead pressed against his collarbones, the comforter brought over from the bed covering both of them to make a warm, cozy cocoon. He tries not to enjoy her touch too much, knows it’s wrong when she’s so vulnerable at the moment. But he can’t really help it when it’s been weeks since she allowed him close to her, weeks since she allowed him to touch her. “I was worried you might be cold,” she says against his chest suddenly, startling Bucky. “I know you get cold.”

He squeezes her sides gently, “Thank you. I’m glad I have you to worry about me.” He waits, knows it’s coming, the exasperated, exhausted sigh and disbelief.

What he doesn’t expect is the violent tremble that runs through her before she clutches tighter and says, “Don’t do that. I know what you’re doing.”

“Doll…please. You’re severely depressed,” she flinches at his words but doesn’t pull away. “And I-I, I’m afraid to leave you alone.”

When she doesn’t say anything he continues, “You have so much life to live baby. I’ll help you through the tough times, just please don’t give up. Not yet. It’s not time. We’ll get through it together okay? You can go back to therapy and I’ll go with you if you want. God knows it won’t hurt me. Please? _Please_.”

Y/N is silent for a long time but he doesn’t say anything else, just kisses the top of her head repeatedly and strokes her back, tracing soft circles into her hips every so often. Eventually she pulls back enough to look into his eyes, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“But I’m not…It’s easy to feel like-like you would be better off, like everybody would be better off if I just-,” she swallows harshly and buries her face into his chest again. “If I just _wasn’t_ , y’know?”

Bucky holds back tears and tries not to let his distress show, because he _can’t_ do it without her, he can’t be alone, but this isn’t about _him_ , it’s about _her_. “And when have you ever been one to take the easy route?” He forces himself to let out a chuckle, his voice strained and awful. That gets a tiny giggle from her but more silence ensues afterwards until he can’t take it any longer, “Please talk to me, Y/N.” 

Tears wet his neck as she starts to cry, after weeks of emotionlessness and numbness. A sob hitches in her throat, “I don’t want to leave you but I feel so guilty. I’m so worthless and-and I know I’m hurting you worse but I love you so much that I-,” She’s at a cross roads, she doesn’t know what to do.

“Hey, hey, hey…” he shushes her gently. “I’m here. Let me help you, let me take care of you. You remember when I was going through this?” She stills against him suddenly, her hands fisting in his now wet shirt as her breathing evens out. “Yeah, you do. And you remember how worried you were? But you helped me through it, you and Steve did. I know some of what you’re feeling. I know that you can fight through it because you have before and because I’ve been there too.”

Y/N looks up at him, eyes wide and red-rimmed, before leaning forward to kiss his chin gently. “I’m sorry.”

“Let me take care of you, baby,” he murmurs against her hair, pushing back the dirty strands. “Hmm?” Hope rises in him that he might be enough to convince her, to bring her back. Bucky runs his hand up and down her back slowly, “Just like you used to do for me. Trust me, okay? I want you to stay, doll.”

Slowly she nods, “Okay.”

Five minutes later she finds herself in the bathroom, sitting on the counter where Bucky had sat her having carried her from the bedroom still wrapped in the blanket, as she watches him test the water of the bath for the twentieth time. He turns and comes to her at the counter to stand between her legs before reaching up and cradling her face between her hands, thumbing away her tears. “Why are you crying?”

Y/N shrugs, “Just am. Love you a lot.” He smiles and kisses her forehead before pushing the blanket off her shoulders. Automatically she raises her arms above her head and allows him to pull her shirt off before sliding off the counter and wiggling out of her shorts and underwear. Bucky helps her into the bath and then stands by awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot. She glances up at him and brings her knees to her chest, “I’m not going to do anything, Buck.”

Still he leans down and kisses both her cheeks, doing his best to shower her with love and affection, “Okay.” He continues to stand there however, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth as he debates what to do. Deciding to trust her he says, “I’m gonna go take care of some things and then I’ll be back. Just yell if you need anything.”

“Buck?”

“Hm?”

“Could you leave the door open?” She asks because she knows it’ll make him feel better about leaving her alone.  

He props the door open and smiles once more before leaving Y/N to her bath.

 

~

 

It’s almost therapeutic for him take care of her, makes him feel as though he’s helping her, like he’s doing something right. Bucky comes back to the bathroom after a while to find Y/N still in the cooling bath, staring vacantly ahead. So, he sits next to the tub and encourages her to wash while he takes care of her hair. She cries again when he tips her head back and rids her hair of soap and apologizes for being useless but Bucky only reassures her and tries not to show how his heart is cracking open in his chest. “’m so sorry,” she cries when he pulls her out of the bath and wraps a towel around her, cuddling her to his chest despite the water dripping off Y/N’s body and soaking his shirt. “You deserve someone better. I mean, _God_ , what kinda awful person am I when you’ve been through so much and the only damn reason I have is that ‘m fucking _sad_?”

“Hey,” he pulls back and takes her face between his hands. “That’s not why you haven’t let me in is it?” When tears well in her eyes again Bucky knows he’s hit the nail on the head. “Oh sweetheart, you don’t have anything to be sorry about. It’s just somethin’ that is, you don’t have to have a reason.”

“I don’t deserve you,” she whispers as his panic tightens its leash on his lungs.

He leans his forehead against hers, “Please don’t leave me alone.” Eyes clenched closed he continues, “Please baby, I’m so tired of being alone.”                 

Silence echoes in the bathroom for a long minute as tears burn at the back of his eyes, he wasn’t enough, would never be enough to convince her. Whatever he did wouldn’t be good enough. Maybe he hadn’t shown his love enough. Maybe she didn’t love him enough. Whatever the reason the fact remained that he had failed and that he would have to let someone else, someone better equipped take care of her, bring her back.

Y/N’s hand reaches up to cover one of his still resting on her cheek, “Never,” she murmurs. “I told you earlier I love you too much.” She pulls back and looks into his eyes, “I want to get better again but I don’t know how. I need help Buck.”

And there it is. What he’s been waiting to hear. He sighs, the knot in his chest loosening just a bit, “I’m here.”

“I know.”

 

~

 

That night she dresses in soft, clean clothes, most of it Bucky’s stuff not that he minds. She eats what he makes for her in small bites and drinks the water he gives her. The sheets on the bed had been changed while she was in the bath and everything feels just the tiniest bit better.

Then Bucky cuddles her close and puts on her favorite movie, promises to call her therapist the next day, to stay with her, to help her get back to herself in any way he can.

She had done it for him and he’ll do it for her.

Over the next few months Bucky hovers more than he should, he goes to her therapy appointments, he makes sure she eats and drinks, he tries to find ways to make her smile, makes her go outside at least once a day, and attempts to get her interested in things again. Most of all he listens to her, which is more than Y/N could have ever asked for.

He knows things are starting to really change for the better when he wakes up to find her out of bed before him. At first he panics, his mind rushing to the very worst possibilities. His heart nearly stops when he rushes into the kitchen to find her with a counter full of freshly baked goodies and breakfast on the way. She’s humming along to something playing on the radio, swaying along with the tune just a bit and Bucky nearly cries.

Sneaking up behind her he wraps his arms around her middle before burying his face in her neck and peppering kisses there, as many as he can, delighting in her giggles. It’s something that never fails to make her smile. “Buck!” She tries to push him away, still laughing, “The bacon is gonna burn!”

“Hmm, that’s okay. I gotta show my girl how much she means to me,” he says into her neck before biting down lightly, making Y/N yelp and laugh harder.

She manages to escape his arms and take the bacon off the heat, darting away from him to pick up a cupcake from the counter, “Look! I made this one special for you.” Bucky wraps his metal arm around her waist, to pull her back to him, whispering an apology when the cool metal grazes her skin and makes her jump, before plucking the small cake out of her hand. “Winter Soldier cupcake,” she says, “See your fierce murder eyes?”

Its maybe the most adorable rendition he’s ever seen of himself, a cute, grumpy looking cartoon, “Yeah, real fierce,” he deadpans before kissing her and smiling into her lips. “Thank you.”

“I have one more for you,” Y/N says, wrapping one arm around his neck.

“Oh yeah?” he asks, mouth full of moist chocolate cake now, his arm still around her, holding them chest to chest.

“Mmhm,” Y/N hums before reaching behind her with her free hand, knowing Bucky isn’t planning on letting go of her anytime soon. He rarely did these days. Her hand finds the other cupcake to shove right in front of his nose.

Everything stands still for a moment as he reads the small message on the top of the cake. _Thank you_ , it reads in ornate script, carefully piped onto the top. He releases her for a moment to take the cupcake and set both of them down on the counter before pulling her back into his arms.

He presses his lips to hers, softly at first and then more firmly, before she pulls away with a gasp, “I need you to know, I need you to hear it. Thank you.” She runs her hands up and down either of his biceps, “Thanks for being so good to me. I know some days are easier than others and that we’re still going uphill but…thanks for not giving up on me.”

“Always,” he says, pressing light kisses all over her face. “Always, doll. Good and bad, I’ll be here.” She brings her hands up to cradle his face, biting her lip as she tries to hide a smile. “You’re there for me. I’m only returning the favor.”

She rubs her nose against his, “Well that’s it isn’t it? A relationship is give and take.”

“Yeah,” he admits softly. “It is.” He kisses her then, running his tongue along her lip, reaching behind her while she’s distracted and digging one finger into the icing on a cupcake. Abruptly he pulls back and wipes the icing down her cheek before grinning like an idiot.

“You didn’t.”

“I did.” He purses his lips as he leans back and examines his handy work. “Y’know on second thought, you’re already too sweet for your own good.” And with that he leans forward and very sloppily licks the icing from her cheek.

She squeals and tries to push him away to no avail as he picks her up and spins around, “I love you,” he says and attempts to capture her lips in a wet kiss.

He’s met with her cheek again when she turns her head, “I love you.” Her hands go to his hair, “So much. You’re so precious and good and lovely and strong and-,”

“Alright,” he cuts her off in a kiss, smiling so wide it looks like it might hurt his cheeks.

“Thank you,” Y/N whispers one more time, tears gathering in her eyes.

“Yeah,” he leans his forehead against hers. “And thank you, doll.” She kisses him this time, so tenderly one might think he’s made of glass. The breakfast food goes cold, their lips go numb, and the morning spins by but still they stand there kissing. He would always be there to bring Y/N back and she would always be there to bring him back. Bucky knew before but now he’s sure it’s meant to be forever.

 


End file.
